As shall I
by StarkidPotterMerllockhead
Summary: Merlin knows he's hurt a lot of people... But what about the woman he loved yet hurt so badly? Can he bring her back from Morgause's side?


Merlin wanted to die. Why couldn't he be granted this? He had hurt so many and ruined so many people's lives that he didn't want to live whilst others so much better than him were being torn apart and drowned by death all because of him, he wiped away unshed tears and carried on walking towards the Rising Sun tavern _for once I will actually be where Arthur thinks I am_ he mused a grim smile forming before it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.

No one understood the things he had been through, not even Arthur who he had always considered a friend or even brother didn't understand the torments in his head, at the moment it was Morgana, the women who trusted him yet he didn't trust enough to tell her his secret when she needed to hear it most, he shivered subconsciously as the image of her laying in his arms struggling to get air into her lungs flashed before his sea blue eyes. He had to do it, for Arthur, Camelot, his destiny...

_Damn my destiny _he thought bitterly trying to forget her, the way she used to smile at him, the way their eyes met across the room and how she lit up his day with her presence, how beautiful she had been when he first saw her, each one was a stab to his heart and made him feel weak and dizzy. He leant against the wall of the Rising Sun concealing himself in the shadows the moon could not touch and letting his emotions roll over him like a wave when he saw a figure walking towards him, he stood up straight and squinted at the shadow before realising it was the very woman he wanted but hated so much.

She was like an angel, her emerald eyes darting from one side of the path to the other and walking gracefully yet stealthily, his breath caught in his throat as this crimson beauty walked past him and he was hit by déjà vui as he remembered her entrance into the great hall all those years ago and how captivated he had been then as well as now.

Without thinking he walked out of the shadows and called her name, she stopped and turned slowly round her eyes wide with fear, "Merlin?"

"Yes," he said flinching as fear melted to pure hate.

"Following me again are you?"

"No I... I was going to the tavern," he muttered.

"You? In the tavern?" She laughed reminding him of the old Morgana.

"Yeah I'm a total lightweight it could be hilarious," he smiled his goofy smile that Morgana always loved about him, she shook herself and stared into his eyes.

"You can't change me Merlin," she whispered.

Merlin's smile faded and he looked down at his feet, "But..."

"NO! Stop wasting your time Merlin everything changed when you poisoned me," she snapped.

"I didn't want to..."

"Then why did you do it?" She shouted angry with the calmness in his voice.

"For Camelot. The Morgana I knew would have done the same," he whispered barely audible.

"Well she grew up."

"Morgana I'm sorry! You have no idea how much I hate myself for what I've done to you! You meant everything to me and I ruined your life," he cried swallowing the lump in his throat.

Morgana laughed and smirked up at him, "you're a fool Merlin you always have and always will be and so will I for thinking you a friend."

Merlin frowned and his grief turned to anger so powerful he couldn't control himself, he walked towards her and grabbed her shoulders, she shivered uncontrollably at his strength and fear raced across her face as he screamed, "**Grið fæstne mid þisse tintregian sawle!**"

Magic whipped around them both as Merlin's usually blue eyes went a fiery gold that caused Morgana to squint in fear of being blinded but she couldn't take her eyes off him, _he has magic. _The words ran through her head and she felt like she would collapse if Merlin wasn't holding her as tightly as he was.

Merlin pushed past each barrier that pushed him out of the sorceresses mind and felt such power he had not experienced in life rush out of him so quickly it winded him, he was getting tired but he couldn't lose her again. Not now. Not ever.

"_Merlin." _He turned his attention to his right and saw the old Morgana as he saw her the day he first delivered a sleeping draft to her.

_"__Morgana what..."_

_"__We don't have time Merlin, you must stop this,"_ she said.

_"__But I can save you I know I can."_

_"__But you will die and Morgause's magic is too powerful."_

_"__No I won't give up on you again," _He shouted tears streaming down his cheeks.

_"__And I can't watch you die,"_ She whispered eyes shining.

_"__Please Morgana don't..." _He sobbed trying to blink the tears away.

_"__Shhhh Merlin," _She soothed putting her hand on his cheek and wiping away the tears for him, _"Do not do this to yourself! You must let me go or I'll end up hurting you or disappointing you and I love you too much to do that."_

_"__I... Ok," _he whispered his shoulders slumping in defeat as he let go of Morgana and fell to the floor letting out a strangled sob.

"Merlin?" He looked up into her eyes and grimaced, she held out her hand and he took it gratefully not looking away, "it would never of worked you know that."

He nodded looking away fearfully before she forced him to look back at her.

"I won't tell anyone about your gifts Merlin."

"Why not? This could be your revenge for me lying to you?" He snapped angrily.

"Because." She whispered lifting a finger to her lips and smiling slightly, "it's our little secret," before pulling her crimson hood back over her head and turning away from him before walking towards the stables and soon reappearing with her silvery horse saddled up and ready to go a few metres away.

He frowned at her and before he could stop himself he yet again shouted her name and ran up to her, grabbing her arm and twisting her round to face him, "I will never forget you even if you turn into a nasty witch who lives as a hermit I will still remember you."

Morgana's lips curved into a smile and she kissed him lightly on his trembling lips, "And I you."


End file.
